Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He shit in the fireplace
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
