i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Enjoy the penises
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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