Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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