My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
