you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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