It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
