I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
