Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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