tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How's work?
Spinning.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
