I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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