this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
