i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
