anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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