I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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