Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
