Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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