The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
