Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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