Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
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I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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