i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
