I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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