shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
