i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
