my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
