Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
