I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
