my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
