having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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