he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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