you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wear drunk well.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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