when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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