Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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