dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
