he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
