so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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