K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
