The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
