do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
