i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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