u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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