the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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