some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
