Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
