mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
