you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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