you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
