I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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