The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
