your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
