he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
