8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
