like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
