I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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