I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
