our cab driver is having phone sex.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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