i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
