i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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