nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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