Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
