ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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