how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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