We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
