So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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